Naked. Escalation.

I have no idea where she gets this stuff from.

Anna and Thomas are playing. Or trying to. And then I hear:
"Thomas, if you do that again you are going in timeout!"

I decide not to even look; from the sound of things, no limbs appear to be in imminent danger of snapping off, after all.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
A few moments later:
"Thomas! If you do that again, YOU ARE GOING RIGHT TO BED!"

Stay the course. They need to learn to work things out themselves, after all. Right? Right.
It's pretty late, after all.
Bed time isn't far away, even. YAY!
I mean, right....

Moments later:
I hear the telltale "AAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhh!" from Anna, followed by a thud, followed by:
"THOM-ASSSSS!"
[And yes, it comes out that way when she's mad]
And then:
"If you do that again, you are going to bed.... " "... ahhhhh... ahhhh..." [pause]

I know this pause.
I am familiar with this pause.
This is the several second pause that ensues while you rack your brain trying to find some kind of threat just evil enough to get him to do what you want, but not so evil that some higher, nobler, and likely completely unrealistic moral belief (or in her case, her Mom), won't get in the way of you carrying it out.

Here's what she came up with:
".... If you do that again, you are going to bed...
WITHOUT ANY PAJAMAS!"

We all gasped as one.

Should I Be Concerned?

Naaaaahhhhhh.
I mean, they look happy. That's all you can really ask for, right?

Anna is thrilled. She is now beginning to sense the full extent of her true power over her brothers.

Let us hope she chooses to harness that power for the good of men's ready-to-wear designers everywhere.

Swimming Lessons

So the boys have started their swimming lessons. So far they can put their heads in the water and blow bubbles, kick using the kickboard, lie on their backs and

Oh, geez. Gotta take this.
It's Hef! (again)

He wants his robes back for when the grandkids visit the mansion. Not to mention Mini-Me.

He's going to have to deal with Jack on this one, however...

Random Shout-Outs

Courtesy of Tommy.
If you are in our apartment, don't be too surprised to hear:

"heeeeeeyyyyy, macarena!" or
"here we go Tigers, here we go. woo! woo!"

shouted at the top of his lungs once every hour or so. Especially if he is on the way to the bathroom, or just after finishing a meal. I think they give him strength or something.

Just So You Know

Jack's three favorite words right now are torpedo, booby trap, and drawbridge.
He's not a violent or aggressive child, really. Just well prepared to defend.

So I've been thinking about the fact that Michelangelo designed the fortifications for Rome during its war with Florence.
And so I keep monitoring Jack's artwork (currently stick figure-based) for signs of bulging musculature, or even Mommy and Daddy inscribed inside a circle or a square. Or even just one of us. In some kind of blob.

Nothing yet...

It Has Been A Long, Long Break, eh?

I don't think I had ever missed a month before, and here almost one and a half have gone by. Things have been busy.

But no worries--while I may not have been blogging, I am still writing everything down and plan on doing some massive posting during vacation time this summer. I also have some great photos. So bear with me... it's coming. I won't let this go.

Tactics

Jack, trying to avoid having his diaper changed:
"I got gas Mommy."
Oh.

Thomas, trying to avoid anything he doesn't particularly want to do:
"It's too spicy."
As in:

• Thomas, do you want to use the blue train instead of the yellow one?
  "No. It's too spicy."
• Thomas, do you want to watch Sesame Street?
  "No. Too spicy."
• Thomas, are you going to eat your corn?
  "No. It's too spicy."
  

I have no idea what 'spicy' actually means to this kid.
But I think it would be really, really funny to try his technique for a day and see what happens.

Optical Delusions

• Me: "Jack, why are you eating with your eyes closed?"
  "I hiding, Mommy!"
  

• Jack, doing something he should not be doing:
  "Close your eyes, Mommy. I don't want to see you."
  

Great.
I can just picture the CAT scan with the "unapologetic believer in his ability to disappear and walk through walls" part of the brain lit up like a Christmas tree. And here I was hoping to avoid the Green Lantern underoos phase.
Hopefully he'll grow out of this by the time he's 3. or 12.

It Isn't Love

...unless your eyeballs pop out.

But we've known that for some time now.

Should I Be Concerned?

Dinner time. Anna is fidgeting like crazy. I am sure she is going to fall off of her chair.
I ask her what's going on. Does something hurt?

"No Mommy, there's just music in my head and it's makin' me shake!"
Hmmmn. I have no idea how to respond to this.

And then out comes the most rousing rendition of Ba Ba Black Sheep I have ever heard.
(And let me tell you: I have attended a lot of preschooler music classes.)

A different dinner time. Anna is finishing her dinner.
Anna is thinking. And then:
"Mommy, my tummy is REALLY big and I just heard a 'Neigh'!"
[from inside of it]

Have I mentioned that Anna really, really wants a horse?

Jack Talks Back

The first installment of what I am coming to believe will be a long and ongoing series.

• Jack, here's your water.
  "I want cold water Mommy."
  Jack, that water is cold. I just got it from the refrigerator.
  "It's not cold Mommy. It's just... normal."
  
  
• Jack! Don't put that hose around your neck!
  "Its OK Mommy, it's my seatbelt."
  
  
• "Tommy is MY little brother. I GROWED!"
  

This Just In

"Mommy!
Did you know there is a meal
called dessert
in the middle of the night
that we keep missing???"

Ever the problem solver in these difficult times, Anna quickly drafted and announced a three point plan that includes:

• cupcakes
• after lunch
• every day

as a way of addressing this situation.

Anna: Big Box Retailing

"It's like an apartment that sells things and nobody lives in..."
You heard it here, kids. Isaac Mizrahi will not be cool forever.

Culture Shock

Ah, memories of our first big attempt at the Met with all three. I love that the boys look like their heads are going to explode. We lasted about 50 minutes.

Highlights include Thomas almost pushing Jack into the Temple of Dendur's pool. I think Thomas was worried that someone else's kid might make it under the rope and into the water and scoop up all those pennies before he had a chance.
But no, mine was the only one that really seemed to be trying.

I Believe This Conversation Went Something Like

"YOU Dirty!"
"NO! YOU Dirty!"
"No no! YOU Dirtier!"
And so on.

Isn't it great they're getting older and more able to express themselves?

Why Unicorns Are White. And A Corollary.

(Or at least, why pretend unicorns are always white.)

"Because unicorns eat cucumbers.
Inside cucumbers it is white.
The white explodes out to their skin."

Hmmm, OK, I follow that.
But what about the skin of the cucumber? That's not white.

"Well... the green is the unicorn poo."

Oh.

So Mommy Took A Trip

to her friend Lilly's wedding in Arizona. Gwammy came to stay while I was gone.
The kids were excited for Gwammy to come. I was excited that they were excited.
I also wanted them to behave.
Which led to this little cheer at dinner the night before I was to leave:

Me to the kids [in cheerleader voice]: "So, guys, how are we going to act when Gwammy gets here???"
[...dramatic pause...]
Anna, right on cue: "GOOD! We're going to act GOOD!"

My heart swelled. Yes! This was going to be great. Fine, even.
All right! Now let me follow that up with a big positive-reinforcing YAY! and then we'll...

Anna:"... and then a little bit crazy once she leaves."

Yeah, she's totally got this Mommy going away thing down.
Which also leads to phone conversations where, immediately after sniffling and telling me how much she misses me she composes herself just enough to pitifully inquire:
"...uh, Mommy... are you looking for some special things for us...?"

As hard as it is to be "on call" for them all the time, it was much tougher to be away. I missed them so much. I'm glad A was there with some material girl-esque comic relief.
And just as soon as I recovered from the double ear infections that I got when my ears didn't unplug on the flight home and the kids' leftover pink eye I picked up the day I returned to NYC, I was very very glad to be back.

Dem Bones Dem Bones

Lately, Anna has been interested in bones. So we read a book about the bones in our body. She liked the page that showed a full skeleton. She knew where the skull was, and saw some long arm bones.

And then she continued down the anatomy:
"And then there's the butt bone..."
"And the two butt cheek bones...."
Just like they teach it in med school, no doubt.

A few days later she was in the bath staring at Jack's back.
"Mommy, what are all these little mountains that go down to Jack's butt?"
I believe she was referring to his spine.

Did I mention how much I love the poetic value inherent in "little mountains that go down to his butt..."?
I feel as though some kind of 'native American chiropractor' joke would be appropriate right now, but I don't have one.

Anna's First Real Joke

Mommy wiping Thomas' nose:
"Wow T... look at this mess. What is going on? Look at all these boogers!"

Anna:
"Yeah, it's like... Grand Central Boogers in there!"

See?
Come on! That's pretty witty for a four year old.

Thomas' Got a Brand New Game

Anna: "Thomas, what's you favorite color: red or yellow?"
Thomas: [hesitates. looks around. rolls his eyes up. hesitates again. smiles.] "Train."

Anna: "Thomas! What is your favorite color?!"
Thomas: [same routine: hesitate. eyes. hesitate. smile] "Mommy."

Anna: "Thomas! TELL ME your favorite color!"
Thomas: [completely in control. just waits. grins.] "Boat."

And on and on and on and on.

Raising Mike Mulligan (or MaryAnne)

Anna pulling Thomas (on all fours with a tape measure in his mouth):
"I'm bringing Thomas to the new town hall where he is going to live tonight."

Well. At least she seems to be willing to let him leave after one night.

Au Cafe

Sigh.
It's not a bad life, eh?

C-A-N-D-Y, Mommy! Candy!

That is all Jack could utter in the midst of his sugar-coated joy.
That would be a sweet tart in Jack's mouth. He got it out of an egg at the Easter Egg hunt in Central Park. Hopefully his own.

It was his first sweet tart ever.

Speed 2: The Lost Audition

It's a shame; I think Anna could really have helped that movie live up to its potential.
Wait, I think it actually did.

We ran into (and from) a cruise ship departing New York City for sunnier shores. I was amazed at how nimble the ship was; it basically swiveled around in it's own footprint in the middle of the Hudson.

As you can see, we were all a bit shocked by the size.
Also how close it got to "shore".

True Life: I Am Raising Punky Brewster

I have to say, this photo doesn't even really do her justice.

Stripes on the arms, different stripes on the legs, a floral print skirt layered over the cropped pants with slightly too-big Sanibel Island T-shirt to top things off? That's tame. I mean, here she at least stuck to her standard pink/purple combo.

Just a few hours earlier while walking to school she had accesorized with her blue rubber dolphin boots, a green sweater w/hood sticking out from underneath her blue dolphin raincoat, and a knitted pink winter hat. With ear flaps.
Trust me: if there had been a wide leather belt or leg warmers at her disposal she would have found a way to work those in, too.

Anna is a multi-layered, multi-patterned fashion powerhouse. Maybe she gets it from her stylist?

Bernanke: Problem Number One (Or A Bit After That)

[Remember Jack Nicholson's "You can't handle the truth!"? Right. The following should be read like that.]

I don't have time for the little slot!
Now how am I really supposed to get these coins into the bank?


This is Part Two of Tommy's "Solving First Problems" series. Interested in Part One?

[OK, ok this is nerdy and a bit of a stretch but hey I love that. Time will tell, however, if it is actually funny.]

The 3AM Phone Call

Well, not exactly. More like 11:15AM.
But still: it was my first phone call from an institution where I had left any of my children that began with "Ms. Jamison, your son [Thomas]..."

While the facts are still a bit murky, it seems Thomas took a tumble from one of the higher vantage points of the indoor climbing apparatus and ended up with his first bloody nose. He is totally fine.

I did get the sense that no one actually saw what happened, however, so I figured I might as well ask my other two-year old who is in the same class. I mean, if you're going to have twins, you might as well take advantage of it, eh?

And here is what Jack said:
"Tommy is tryin' grabbing me...Tommy is tryin' grabbing me...Tommy is tryin' grabbing me..."
Over and over and over. And over and over. And he is sticking to his story.
I am thinking there may have been a helpful shove involved in all this.

You Talking To Me?

Huh? Tough Guy?

Hi, We're Horsie Tape Measure

That's what she said into her train whistle microphone as I walked into the living room.
The facts are clear: Anna and Jack are in a band. They are a band.
And they gave that band a great name.

Regular readers will be familiar with Anna's love of horses; less well known is Jack's obsession with the tape measure. He drags that thing everywhere.

And he definitely looks good with a guitar in his hand, eh? Let the record show: I always knew that Jack was a rocker (scroll down after you click). And I am psyched. I can't wait to be the 60-year old super cool mom backstage at the Live Aid Concert.

Hey, Guess What?

Jack has a job.
Yes, that's right. A job.
Isn't that great?

What does he do?
He works for Anna. He's her personal stylist.
Isn't that great?

Every morning when Anna is ready to get dressed, she asks Jack to come upstairs and help her pick out her things for the day. They go up there, he sits in her pink chair and she closes the door. Then the two of them collaborate on the outfit. Jack's palette is almost completely purple (with stripes if possible. Jack LOVES stripes.) and Anna's is almost totally pink, so what they end up with usually looks somewhat reasonable.

Diffrent Soaps

Me: "Jack! Don't put that in your mouth! You can't brush your teeth with soap! You can't eat that!"

Anna clicks the switch on her Strawberry Shortcake electric toothbrush. The bristles stop churning. She composes her 'thoughtful face'.
"But Mommy, aren't there germs inside our bodies?"

Me: "What? Well... yeah. Right. Remember? The white blood cells--the 'Dr-Fix-It cells'--they help fight the germs--Thomas! ah! --germs make us sick--our body fights germs--AH! no boats in the toilet!..."

Anna: "So then wouldn't eating the soap... "

Right. At this point Mommy finally picks up the oh-so-logical trail of breadcrumbs.

From the Four Year Old Who Knows Everything

Some vacation pearls of wisdom:

• Anna and Jack are having some discussion about cat ownership. I tune them out. Then I hear this:
  "... it's because the vegetarian doesn't put the claws back in ..."
• I notice Anna pulling and twisting Jack's hair with both hands and I point this out to her.
  "Aw Mom... I was just making antenna-s!"
• "Hey Mom, you found your sweater. So... does it sweat?"
  [Cue peals of laughter]
  

It's OK, Jack

"We'll make China by sundown. I just know it."

A Fool's Gold Is Neither Food Nor Fashion

So This is how I found Anna one sunny afternoon in Florida.
So I asked her what she was digging for. She told me "treasure".
So I asked her what treasure is.
And she told me:
"Oh, necklaces and cake and cupcakes with frosting and candy and chocolate..."

I am, however, left trying to imagine the pirate who buried such a booty.

Archimedes: Problem Number One

OK, then.
Get the floating body into the water...

Things Thomas Is Good At

Let's see:

• Discovering that Jack will get upset when he dumps a handful of rocks down the front of Jack's shirt.
• Discovering that Jack will get upset when he dumps multiple buckets of water over Jack's head during bath time.
• Discovering the cool sound that is made when he bangs his bike helmet into Jack's bike helmet as they ride along behind Mommy in their "carriage".

Thomas is really a boy's boy. The child is 24/7 mischief, with the grin to back it up.

Spring Is In The Air

That's right: the birds!... the bees!... the elevated pollen count! Truly a magical time of rebirth.

On a more specific note, I have one two year old who won't stop laying on his back on the floor underneath my skirt and another one who takes every opportunity to talk about "breast-es-es".
(I have two, he wants me to have one. I have big ones, his are too small.)

Lovely.

The 2 1/2 Year Old Checkup

Yep, it was that time again. Time to have someone prod and poke enough to convince me that my children (the male variety, at least) are healthy. But looking back, I probably didn't need that. I probably should have guessed this when:

• Jack tried to convince me that we didn't need to go to the doctor with the old "But we have doctor in our apartment..." routine. Oh yes - that would be Fisher Price, M.D and his big red toolkit. But a nice try nonetheless.
• While waiting (nearly naked) in the exam room, Jack couldn't get enough of sticking his head in the "doggie door"-style garbage can opening in the cupboard below the sink.
• While waiting (nearly naked) in the exam room during the time I was extracting Jack from the trash, Thomas climbed up on the doctor's stool (you know, the one with neither back support nor restraining straps that swivels and rolls) and gave me the "I is doctor you, Mommy" routine while trying to jab his fingers in my eyeballs as I lunged to grab him.
• While waiting (nearly naked) in the exam room, Jack thought Thomas was onto something and (flashing his 'hose grin' as he advanced) made his scissors fingers and let me know that "It's OK, I just need to cut you first..." .
  Where is he getting this stuff from, you ask? That's right--his sister.
• And finally, after showing minimal interest in the bathroom up until this historic visit to the doctor, they both decided they wanted to use the bathroom. At the same time.
  Let's just say that one escaped (completely naked) and surprised a few people waiting in the exam rooms.
  

But the good news is they still managed to charm Dr Brandes and their "curves look good". Vital stats: 34" each, Thomas 30.5 lbs, Jack 28.5 lbs. Stay tuned for the 3-year old visit...

Just Two Minutes After This Photo Was Taken

I experienced the rare triple play:

- One brother suddenly feels sick and throws up
- In response, the other brother also throws up

[Mommy freaks out, gets everyone to the relative safety of the kitchen's tile floor, and strips everyone completely. Including diapers. I felt a small pang of (reverse? negative?) intuition when I did this, but as Jack had just thrown up again and Anna had started to gag it quickly disappeared.

- In response, brother #2 pees all over the floor.

Look at those faces! Could you have seen this storm coming?

Favorite Tub Shot

And So It Begins

Thomas has a plastic fish that squirts water. They all use it in the tub all the time.
But tonight, something was different. Tonight, Thomas squirted water out of the fish, looked up with a huge smile plastered on his face and stated very clearly:

"Fishie make poo poo!"

And then erupted into laughter.
Sigh. I can only imagine the numerous and varied scatological gems that he will impart over the next twenty years.

My Hero

You know those New Yorker cartoon caption contests? Where they draw the cartoon and you come up with the punch line? Well, this is similar. No cartoon, but you get the idea.

Scene: Jack is running out of the bathroom waving... the plunger.
I know, eeeeewwww. But go ahead, guess the dialogue. I mean, just try.

Done? Here's what he really was shouting:
"I is rescue you Mommy, I is rescue you!"

Sigh. It is really, really nice to know that someone is always looking out for me. Jack is like my very own 'drains n pipes' guardian angel; his pants even fall down all the time.

Great Expectations

"Mommy, I think the boys [at preschool] understand about pretty things on Valentine's Day..."

You Know You're A Mom When

- You finally get to that yoga class and unroll your mat... and discover it is covered with Thomas the Tank Engine stickers
- You hear yourself at McDonalds saying things like "No, no, no you are not having any more french fries until you eat all of that cheeseburger!"
And then you realize: I am eating at McDonalds.

You Know How To Make Nemo Bubbles, Don't You?

"You just put your lips together and blow..."
Part 2 of Anna's "Channeling Screen Legends" series.

What Is A Sit-In?

A sit-in is what happens when one of your children sits down on the corner of 84th Street and Riverside and refuses to move. This generally occurs when you have three children and they are all with you, you have no stroller (or more importantly, no straps), and your child is not happy about leaving the park.

A putsch is what happens when his twin brother joins him on the ground.

Martial law is what is Mommy imposes in order to drag everyone back home.

Style Is...

When you can't decide which dress to wear on a playdate (the one with stripes or the one with ruffly sleeves?), but you get dressed anyway.

And you come downstairs, and Mommy asks "Anna, are you wearing two dresses?"
And you say: "Yes, I couldn't decide which one so I just decided to wear them both."

How Do You Know You're About To Hear Ancient Wisdom?

Well, that's easy.
When Anna begins her reply to you with: "Like horsie's grandmother always says..."
Then you know you're about to hear some ancient wisdom.

Au Salon

Tutu Day: Some Common Misconceptions

So. Ballet.
3- and 4- year old ballet at Discovery Programs in New York City, in particular. In 3- and 4- year old ballet you do not get to wear your tutu every day. No, no, no.
You save the tutu for two performances each semester. For the Fall 2007 semester, one of those performances was today.

Given that she is not allowed to wear her tutu every Wednesday morning with the rest of her outfit, you can imagine how excited Anna gets about these days.

And so it was that she appeared naked and in a tutu at the bottom of the stairs this morning, all ready to throw on her winter coat and hat and head out to the studio.
Thomas, on the other hand, was incredibly disappointed to realize that "tutu day" had absolutely nothing to do with trains. Or the sound they make.

Did I mention that brothers attended this recital, too?
Here they are, flat on their backs.
Jack's comment: "I must dance! I must dance!"
Thomas' impression: "Snack! Snack!"

Until today, I had never considered the the usefulness of the camera bag strap as a restraining device.

When Not To Go Into A Toy Store With Kids

That would be right after Christmas.
When, after reviewing both their 'take' and that of their friends, they finally are aware of all the things they didn't get but really need.
That are available for purchase.

I had to go into a toy store to buy a baby gift. Anna was with me.
She immediately saw the paint-it-yourself horse model kit. (Imagine: A pink coat! A purple mane! Wow!) She really wanted this.

I told her that we weren't going to buy anything; we just had Christmas and she got lots of presents. Her response:
[teenage exasperated explanation voice] "Mommy! Christmas isn't about presents..."

Jack's Ting-Ting

Here it is! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

As I was writing this post the Halloween season was upon us. Which of course obligated us to celebrate by making sugar cookies (and no small mess) in our buddies' grandmother's kitchen.

Throwing flour? Eating raw dough? Not Jack's thing.
He liked the rolling pin.